Quit smoking: and then some.

So today marks 6 weeks smoke-free. As I think I said in my last post, I stopped taking the Chantix on day 9 (?) of my 1mg dosage. I have had pretty minimal struggles over the course of those 6 weeks. Surprisingly, my "normal" trigger points have been pretty easy to transition from. Alcohol, driving, post-meal.. etc. Most of my cravings (which I am pretty sure will always remain desirable on some level) are out of the ordinary. I find myself wanting to smoke socially, just once in a while. A large part of me thinks that I could easily transition into socially-smoking.

I think the fact that I've had such a remarkably easy time quitting is either because, 1. I was never really "addicted" heavily or 2. Other people are freaking babies about it being "hard". It's prolonged mild discomfort, at best. Hardly the hardest thing I've ever done. Then again, I'm stubborn, and I tend to push myself just because I said it was something I would do. So there's that.

On another note: I'm moving again. Pretty excited about the big change (and symbolism behind "a new chapter") and where it will lead. I will miss my current house though. I just love it.

My dog got snagged on some chain link this past weekend, resulting in a shitload of stitches. He's dumb. Really inconvenient time for this to happen, but what's new? He's worth it.

Saddling up for another trip to Moab for Desert Rocks! Should be fun, although Christie isn't coming, and will be very dearly missed. She's been such a huge part of my DR experience these past few years, it hurts my heart to imagine her absence. The line-up looks good, and the weather forcast *so far* is looking great. Bring it on!

Loving all <3 Life is good.

Quitting Smoking: Entry 3

Day 8 was sort of a breeze. Mostly because I shut myself inside with a book as soon as I got home from work, and didn't really even move until I decided to go to sleep. However, in my sleep I did find myself conscious of dreaming, and again attempted to control my dreams. It was difficult (getting completely "in control" when I'm lucid has never been easy, but possible) and there were quite a bit of details I could not change, despite my efforts. I do recall waking more than once, and quickly would return to conscious dreamstate. The dream could have been scary were I not aware of and attempting to control it. I guess I need to get laid more, because when I'm lucid that's typically the first thing I try to do. lol. It worked, but it was gross. Incase you were wondering.

Day 9, I have found myself virtually craving-free. The scent of smokers as they are just returning from their smoke-break is enough to keep them at bay when they come. The driving thing is still an adjustment, as well as post-meal. I did take my book outside for a bit to still enjoy the break in my workday.

I think if things continue at this rate, I will cease taking the Chantix in a week or so. I guess I was supposed to start taking two pills a day (2 mg) today, but I don't really see there being a need for that, considering I haven't smoked for a few days anyway, and the desire is beginning to curb. I won't lie though, the IDEA of smoking is still appealing. I'm just the type of person who is stubborn enough to stick to something once I set my mind to it, even if it goes against my desire "in the moment". The real test will be when I am no longer on the Chantix at all, and drinking. I hope I am strong enough!

Quitting Smoking: Entry 2

So the remainder of day 4 was relatively un-eventful. I did end up smoking sometime around 3 pm and found myself dissatisfied. I put it out less than half way through and disgarded the remainder. I did not smoke on at all for the remainder of the evening. I also did not notice any strange dreams or other ill-effects.

Day 5 was stressful. I bought a new car that day. I had been very stressed out with getting my old car prepared for trade-in, and attempting to get my home in order for a party that evening. I found myself increasingly irritable, though I am unsure if it was circumstance alone making me feel that way. I was dreading the party, and found myself attempting to isolate. I had some friends show up, and made the best of it, but for the most part I was ready to have it all over with before it even began. I did attempt to smoke a few times throughout the evening, but always found myself put-off early on, and quickly distinguished my cigarette after lighting it. No trouble sleeping or with dreams, though I do recall a bit of intensity in one dream. Nothing even comparible to the nightmare before.

Day 6, I did not smoke. There were a few moments where I wanted to, but they passed quickly as I just kept myself occupied through the cravings.

Day 7, I made it through my entire workday without smoking. Did smoke a bit after work with a friend, though it made me feel even worse than the last time I'd smoked, so I stopped.

So far, I'm well over half way through my workday on day 8, and this is feeling more and more realistic. Though I do still find myself a bit irritable, I am confident that that will fade. For all I know it could be hormonal. With the transition to a new vehicle, it's been easier to set that boundry and a new set of habits in regards to driving. My new car has never been a car I've smoked in. I've also been more conscious in my eating habits. Figure if all of this stuff is going to change, may as may get it all over with at once!

Have to say, it does feel pretty good. Already I can smell a difference. Particularly in smoke smells on others. It's awful!

Quit Smoking Journal : Entry 1

Decided that if I am going to take quitting smoking seriously, I should write about it. Remind myself that this is real and it's happening, and it's my life. My decision. My responsibility.

On average as a smoker, I would smoke between five and eight cigarettes in a day. These are non-drinking Monday through Friday habits. Weekends, particularly when drinking, I would sometimes smoke close to a pack a night. Festivals? Forget it. At LEAST a pack a day. On the other hand, if I were doing stuff or out of cigarettes, I could easily go more than 24 hours without smoking and not lose my mind.

I started administering 1mg of Chantix on 4/5. Dose is to double on 4/13. Typically, on this medication, it is "permitted" that one continue smoking for the first week.

Days 1 and 2: I didn't notice many side effects beyond slight nausea upon first taking the medicine. This could have nothing to do with the contents of the medication itself, but my body's response. I typically do whatever I can to avoid taking even Ibuprofen, so this is going to be a big change for my body. I smoked normally, no change in habits.

Day 3: I noticed dry mouth, and a strange taste. Nothing too terrible, and it went away with a sip of water each time. I made a conscious effort to smoke less. Smoked 4 cigarettes. Did notice a difference in the ways they began to taste. Had first one of the vivid nightmares I'd read so much about (Vivid dreaming/nightmares are the most commonly reported side-effect in Chantix users). Terribly frightening, but not nearly enough to stray me from continuing taking it. The scariest part about the dream was knowing I was dreaming but not being able to "take the wheel" the way I have in Lucid states in the past. Not sure if that was the medication blocking my interference, or just that I'm out of practice in dream state. More experimentation required. Over all, I still felt I got a whole night's sleep, and awoke feeling normally-rested.

Day 4: Intentionally put off the cigarette on the ride to work, the beginning of my "daily smoking routine". Other than the psychological notice of change, there was no extreme discomfort. Passed on the opportunity as other smokers went out for their first break of the morning (9:00 am) but joined them on their second (11:30 am). Found myself not wanting to finish, and put it out half way through. Did notice the foul taste in my mouth a few minutes later.. this time it was a very distinct cigarette/ashtray taste. Very unappealing. It's currently 1:46 pm and I am trying to fight the urge to go smoke now. Though I am still having trouble discerning if this is my brain being used to the habit, if my body actually craves the nicotine. Physically I am not feeling anxious or jittery the way I have in nic-fits past. Just bored, mostly.

I have begun to chew on thin red coffee straws to occupy my mouth. Can't yet tell if it's helping. If things continue as they have been, the biggest struggle will be forming new habits to fill the time periods when I would typically be smoking. I think I can manage that.

Seems meaningless to post unless something "big" is taking place. Lately, not a whole lot has, and it's refreshing! While these past few months have been a bit confusing emotionally, I generally feel like I've taken the time (almost a year. holy shit.) to really get "better". I actually see a single girl in the mirror again! It's amazing how difficult the transition back to singlehood has been.. but here I am!


Upon this glorious realization, comes the movement back into one of my oldest most-favorite pasttimes: crushing! Oh the joy of anticipating the idea of something "maybe" happening. The playful flirtation, the butterflies... All of it, I love! Never had the appreciation for the slow chase in the past, because I was seeking out the "relationship" in my mind long before it blossomed into anything in reality. Today, I remember to slow down and enjoy that anxious state of the unknown. The delicious idea of a first kiss, long before it comes to be. He's handsome and funny and sexy.. and I want some. But I think I'll take my time and let him stew over the idea of wanting some too. Yum. It's fun to think about! (I'm still mentally 12?)



On a different note, my best friend since the second grade is getting MARRIED! I couldn't be more happy for her. She is an amazing woman, and deserves every ounce of happiness in the world. Mike is a good man and treats her well. I hope he never forgets how lucky he is to have her!


With that comes thoughts of growing up. In the past couple of years, I have seen some of my closest friends reach great milestones in their lives. Marriages, children, graduations.. all big accomplishments that I am proud of! On the same token, there is a part of me that feels envious of their "external" progress. Here I am, working the same (albeit "good" job), nothing new to report. Not going so school, though I know that I should be. Not even really dating, let alone near marriage. Yep, I hang out at a bar 4-5 nights a week. I hang out with my dog. I play lots of xbox and scrabble on my phone. My room is messy. I sing in the shower. I have relentless bacne and chestne/brestne(can I make those into words?) as of late. That's me. How are YOU? haha.

Just odd to see where life takes us. I'm by no means complaining, but it's interesting to watch the progression and see how very little it has to do with age or circumstance. It's all about choice.


Despite all of that and being happy single (really). My big secret (that's not really a secret at all), is that all I've ever really wanted was to be a mom. I have faith that my baby with come in time, but only AFTER the healthy partnership and stability I feel my baby deserves. Could I do it alone? Sure, people do it all the time. But, so long as I have the choice, which I'm pretty sure still works these days, I'll wait. I'm lucky to have two baby girls in my life, they get me through the days when baby hunger strikes it's hardest. They help me remember that I will be a wonderful parent, one day.

No one ever reads this anyway, I don't know why I make my voice sound so formal.

Shitfuckassball!


There, that's better. haha. bye.

Well, I'll be..

I suppose it's safe to say I've come a long way since my last post. The anger still shows it's face, in small spurts and waves, but most of my pain is manifesting clearly (no more hateful mask).

I'm learning to forgive, a prayer I've been speaking regularly since the anger took hold. Laughter is
returning, and it's more real now than I remember it feeling. Amazing valued relationships hold strong. The weaker unreliables have already fallen wayward.. no sweat.



My dude is still my shining star. Funniest dog in the world! So handsome it would hurt if it didn't feel so good.

I've decided love is more rewarding and worthwhile than anything. It's a gift, my sensitivity, and a blessing to be able to love with such intensity as I. It's more comfort to my psyche and mind to allow that love, not resist it. So here it is! Have it. It's yours. No expectation. Just trust in divinity.

2011 is expected to be amazing. For one, 23 has always been a favorite number of mine. Two, 11, by nature is parallel and powerful. Lucky me!


I have made some commitments in this new year. I'm making a sincere effort to make certain that my words and actions are always in alignment. I want to say what I mean, and for my actions to represent who I am and my correct intentions at all times. I've also decided to write more. I want to express myself without reservation. Even if it's just one sentence, I am going to be writing (by hand) daily. Feels good to say that and know that I mean it. Also, my relationships. I want to be clear with my loved ones that I value them, and the easiest way to do that is by being PRESENT!


Optimism feels better, anyway. I like this version of myself better.

Hope the holidays were kind to all, and that the new year brings many great memories. xo

“Write it down. Let all of the ugly out- and then burn it.”

Well, this is close enough.

I’m battling this angry demon. It wants me to lash out, to show the strength of my ugly and watch as it burns you with every whisper. I’m going to refrain. I’m going to bite my tongue so hard and taste the blood running down my throat. Raw and real: like these emotions. Why can’t you miss me for five fucking minutes? Why can’t you ever show any sign of weakness or giving a shit? Why don’t you stay true to your word? You said you wanted nothing more than to be my friend. You couldn’t imagine life without me being a part of it. What a fucked up and way to weasel out.

I want you to die. Really. If you did, I’d be okay with not hearing from you. It’d be okay for me to forgive you and let go and maybe even miss you. Right now, all I can think of is the many ways you make me sick. Terrible things I could say to you- wishing I could watch the shattered look on your face as I did. I want you to fucking cry. Cry until you are gasping for air and your whole body trembles. I’m not going to tell you these things. I’m not going to give you the satisfaction of knowing just how fucked up I am as a result of knowing you. I am not going to speak of how I regret every second of my life from the moment I met you. I regret everything. I’d rather be dead.

I’m going to trust that the next [poor sad pathetic] woman who comes into your life is ruthless. She’ll do all of this for me. She’ll tear down every bit of your self-worth, and spit it in your face. She’ll delight in manipulating you. She’ll be honest about how frustrating it is to have a man who can’t (and doesn’t really try) to perform in bed. She’ll tell you about her dwindling sex drive and due to lack of satisfaction. She’ll tell you you’re a selfish loser, too lazy to actually work for anything. Bad person, bad friend, liar, flake.. She’ll magnify it all. I hope you choke on it. I hope she humiliates you, and then walks away.