A New Leaf?

Eric McFadden Trio- Desert Rocks '07 (photo by me)

Monday's all-too-tight embrace has returned. All is well.

Got some of the biggest humps in the Desert Rocks plan taken care of. Did I mention that we are setting up Sun Catcher Camp? It's going to be dainty, feminine, and inviting for visitors. People stop by and make their own sun catcher. I am ecstatic! So many little details we are focusing our energy on to ensure we have the best damn camp at the festival. Can I just say, I LOVE my girlfriends. This little retreat is going to be absolutely perfect. Just what I need at such a crazy space in my life.

I cleaned out my car..whew! Believe me, this is a feat in itself. I'm not exactly an "organized" person. Granted, it wasn't full of fast food bags and garbage, but dang! I've really got to be better about that. Seriously.

Got a TON of laundry done. Organized my costumes and playa (that's burnspeak for FUN) wear. Weather appropriate stuff.. all of it! Camp Decor, craft miscellany, edibles, etc..

The only things left on my to-do list:

1. Groceries (not buying until Thursday)

2. Batteries (for flashlight/digicam)

3. physically pack bag and load into car.

That's it! with 4 days to go. What a relief! Things moving into place quite smoothly. Is it because it feels like I'm looking forward to this fest more than any ever before? Possibly. Mostly, I'm excited. This is my first real "theme camp" (at a non-burn event, hah). It's going to be so delightful to play in the Moab sun* and laugh it up with my favorite ladies.

Just the thought makes my heart sing.

*let us pray we get non-stop SUNSHINE this year!

"I smell like a woman whose dream is so close she can TASTE it."

Time to talk about the MUSIC! The real reason I started this blog wasn't to gain followers (so far..success!) but to document these vivid moments of magic that occur so rapidly in my life, for fear they may otherwise disappear. Live music is so deeply engrained in my psyche, I cannot imagine a world without it. Easily, the most spiritual experiences I've had in my life have all been deeply rooted in music. It's really ethereal, out of body. Witnessing and the joys and heartbreaks that happen simultaneously when a musician really connects with their audience, it's perfect. I love the quirks.. reading the body language between band members, feeding on and to a performer's energy.. magic. I use the word magic often because certain things feel so unbelievable, so overwhelmingly beautiful.

Anyway, live music is an addiction I can never get enough of. I could see a new musician every day of my life and never grow tired of it. Assuming I have much life left to live, you'll be hearing a LOT about my show/festival life. So strap in, kiddos. This is the good part!

May I just start by saying that it feels so amazing to be back in my body? I feel like I can breathe again! I knew I was disconnected.. but this! The music, the passion, the way it ignites in those moments where it's on.. How did I lose touch with that? Regardless, I'm back. Last night was but a teeny taste of the joys that are to come.

Ah, Mr. Montbleau (the musician of my dreams)! I discovered Ryan much by accident, walking to a separate stage at High Sierra Music festival in July of 2008 (on the very day pictured below). To say he was the best treat of the weekend would be putting it mildly. He spoke to me! He's got the most calm and poetic demeanor, and his words... they're so real. He brings the sorrows and joys of life to the surface, raw, where they can be thoroughly felt. His wisdom and insight have brought me to tears many a time, and the delivery is just a spectacular bonus.

The Ryan Montbleau Band is currently touring with Martin Sexton. Not only are they his opening band, but they are also his backing musicians. What an honor! Christie, Frankie and I arrived frustratingly fashionably late last night, missing the better part of Ryan Montbleau Band's set. I'm still mourning this disappointment, but not so much that it ruined my evening. If anything, it made it all the sweeter. The boys played wonderfully, per usual. When they play parts 1-5 of "How Many Times," there is such an interesting serene that ripples among the crowd... one voice and a viola accompaniment telling such an enlightened and heartbreaking story of grief, loss, gratitude, acceptance and understanding. Such a bold and beautiful statement to be made by a performer. Love!

via: http://unityme.org/theater/ryanmontbleau.jpg

Martin Sexton, where to begin? Martin's vocal chords are some sort of other-worldly enigma. He has a vocal range that is, quite literally, unbelievable. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'd marry that man if only he'd sing me to sleep and to rise each day and night. It does something to the body, hearing a voice like that. Ignites a fire in the soul. An eruption from the solar plexus traveling up and out the crown.. magic energy! Last night, I felt it as strong as ever. When the music takes hold, I can't help but lose myself in it. All else fades away, I stand alone in a crowded audience, just me and the musician(s). I can only imagine what it feels like to be up there, receiving all of that energy.

via: http://icecreamman.com/2009/07/rothbury-2009/

How do I describe it? Sometimes he uses an effect petal on his vocals, making them sound exactly like an electric guitar. He beatboxes, sounding like a full drum kit. His high notes have me beat by a longshot, the lows have me swooning instantly. He's such a fantastic entertainer, so interactive with the crowd.

via: http://www.soundunwound.com/sp/contributor/view/martin-sexton?contributorid=8983&ref=aadp

To say that I love him is an understatement. He's one of those musicians I am perfectly content with seeing again and again. Each time he's in town is it's own brand of special treat. Not only do I love his music, but I love his audience! What a great crowd! So fun. Ran into a couple of old favorites* that I haven't seen in ages, danced and ogled and dreamed... Oh, life. Thank you for reminding me who I am. For a moment there, I was beholden to believe it was shameful. I now know just how kind a place like this can be..

Next up: Desert Rocks. 8 days and we're there! Much to plan.. much to do. :o)

Dream big, my favorites. Tell me about some of your great passions and moments of magic!

The world lost one of it's best

Don't have the strength to go into the details, just want to take a moment to honor a dear friend. Baloo, my boy! We love you, miss you, and think of you in every moment.




Don't forget to check in on your dad. He'll need to feel your love from time to time. He says you're out chasing rabbits, and hangin with some sexy bitches by the beach. I hope he's right. RIP, Buddy. Missing you all the time.

Outlook: Changing. To say the least

While I know I vowed to be more authentic in my blog, there is a private and reserved part of me that wants to keep certain details of my life private. But how authentic is that? Only talking about the pretty shit isn't REAL, it's not relatable, and more importantly it feels like lying on some level.

So I'll try to be brief and just vague enough as not to hurt those close to me. This is no gaurantee, and that's just the way the ball rolls.. roll with it.

To say that my relationship with my significant other has been rocky this past year would be an understatement. It's been a rollercoaster and a half. The ups have been enough to make your stomach flip in circles. The downs, well lets just say puking over the edge of a railing couldn't provide enough relief. It's been rough. But you know what? I've learned a hell of a lot. I'm terribly stubborn. I know this. It's not my strong point (at least, not typically). My backbone's only getting stronger, I know what I want, and I'm learning (consciously and slowly) to admit to my mistakes. I'm not perfect. I'm not always right. But I do know what's right for me.

Right now, the best thing we can do is put some space between us. There's been so much emotion involved it's only polluting the truth. Our love is real, but all of this petty bullshit- it's not. We need to take some time and learn what life might be like seperate. If it's harder out there than it is in here, so be it. We'll reunite. But we've got to stop ignoring the signs that we're doing things wrong. All wrong. It's time we take some action to right some of the wrongs in our relationship and our lives.

It sucks. Change sucks. Fear sucks. The idea of living in a new house with people I don't know is scary and it sucks. Being further from work, Zoo being home alone for my 9 hour work day sucks. Moving and sorting and trying to make sense of the tons and tons of STUFF I've accumulated over the last 22 years SUCKS.
But the most amazing thing is happening. I've been granted this amazing gift of calm. I'm absolutely certain it's going to be okay. It feels right (it IS right) and it's just another small bump in the road. Soon to be the past.

I'll look back on it fondly, probably forget all of the shit. I'll remember that someone really did love me, in a way I didn't ever have to question.
And we'll visit those memories and smile inside.

Tomorrow is a new day. Tonight, I forge ahead.

Just me and the Dude for now. I feel like that's okay.

This was after the Festival of Colors, hence the pink face.

Pics to go along with previous post.

Visiting with Grandma Lois (clockwise from left: Mama, Cousin Chelsie, Moi, Grandma and Molly).Mama, Grandma and myself.

Coolest glasses on Planet Earth, compliments of my grandmother. (bonus: they help me SEE better!) My cute brother and his goofy mullet. So funny.

Family portrait! Love them!

Life is good!

What A Ride!

Janna and I went to visit my brother last Wednesday, where he was presented his “30 day” sober chip. We didn’t tell him we were coming so it was a total surprise. Janna has been a fantastic friend to my bro over the years. I think it’s pretty safe to say she’s been there through the very best and worst of times. Aside from the getting totally lost minor detours, the visit was just perfect! The meeting was nice, small and interesting. I’m always impressed by his progress and the noticeable differences in his peers. You might not think so, but what a difference a week can make! We stayed and visited until 10 pm. We were happy to have headed up Wednesday anyway, because initially his 30 day presentation was postponed until Saturday. I’m happy we could be there for him to receive it.


Daddy’s new band played at the American Chemical Society’s end of year party at Murray Park on Thursday. Teri (my best friend since the 2nd grade) arranged it. After all of his nervous build up of not being “ready”, they rocked it! It was chilly, but a good time no less. Hard to compare things to seeing my daddy doing one of the things that makes him most happy. It’s visible all over! He’s the best dad, ever. Serious.


Since the onset of fall I’ve been living in 98% isolation. I began thinking about just how much this has been affecting me psychologically, and I came to one conclusion: It has to stop! I’ve been in such a strange hermit transition phase, so unlike me. I haven’t felt myself in ages, and rightfully so. I haven’t been! I made a commitment to first, make it known I still value the neglected relationships of my closest friends. The real friends, they’ll always be there, even when I ignore their calls (nothing personal), ditch out, and neglect them entirely for months at a time. However, that is no excuse to do those things! I am going to be better, I vowed. In a matter of a few short days, I feel that I already have.


Christie and I are sister-friends. The kind you can’t get rid of. She recently had a birthday. 37! She cites this as oldness, while I just roll my eyes. “Last year I was still early thirties… everything was fine. This year, I wake up and I’m forty. Forty and old!” She’s been through some hairy stuff lately, the loud pendulum of the biological clock swinging, losing a real honest love. I’m right there with her, and damnit, I think the woman deserves a drink! Took her out to the Jackalope (our dear friend Sunyin’s newly acquired gem!) and we talked and laughed, and I told my latest most famous story (which I may share…eventually), and laughed some more. I love her. I’d missed her. It was a good night.


Saturday morning I got to sleep in a bit. Stu went out shooting with his pops again, and I got the glorious morning to rest rest rest! There’s nothing that quite satisfies me the way a late-late morning can. Early risers, I see you! Looking down your nose at me. I care not! I’d promised Zoo he’d be worn out by early afternoon because I’d spent so little time with him earlier in the week, so we went on a morning walk. It was nice. Everyone loves his sweet face. Christie and I did lunch, at an old favorite I hadn’t been to in ages, Grove Market. This place has massive sandwiches. Bomb d, I’ll tell you what.


MOTHER’S DAY! It was a goodie. Mama, her fiancé Tim and I started by visiting my (mom’s mom) Grandma Lois. It was a brief visit, but good to see her. She’s got mediocre health, at best, and she looked better than she has in a long time. My cousin Chelsea, in 7th grade is a cute little shit. She’s at that age when you want to let her borrow your eyes for a day, in hopes the snot-itude would dissipate. It was a nice visit. We brunched at Andy’s, a little Greek spot on our way to visit Brother. It’s been a long-time family favorite and has yet to disappoint.


Visit with Bro was refreshingly mellow. We played some horseshoes, and sat and visited for a good three hours. His buddies cut his hair into a mullet! It’s hilarious! Sometimes I feel like I get more out of visiting him than he does. It’s just really nice to see him doing well. He’s my brother again! No longer do I spend my time with him in a constant state of worry and silent prayer. What a blessing!


Upon returning home I took Zoo to Liberty park where we walked and walked. He does so well on a leash, but when you include lots of people and other dogs as a distraction he pulls and pulls. He did better by the end of the walk than he did in the beginning. He’s getting it, but I need to be better about getting him out in heavily populated areas. It’s my job to propel him to be the best dog he can be (THE BEST, I just know it!). I need to remember this on those days I’d rather be in bed with a book and my honey. It’s good for both of us, both mentally and physically.


What are some of your habits that both benefit you and another? Do share!

not quite as I had planned..

What a weekend.. and it's over so soon!
Friday was exciting enough that I hardly remember it. We went to dinner somewhere. (?) and home for a movie and some cuddles. Slept early, slept late.

Saturday we ran some errands and went back to the Simply Sushi. It went down easy enough, but a couple of hours later it was just not agreeing with me! I was ill. Deathly. Ill. This carried into Sunday and I spent the majority of the day in bed, writhing in pain. Body and back ache (probably from spending so many simultaneous hours in bed) and my stomach is still not right. UGH! I am bummed I didn't get to go to Hope and George's hot pot soak (as a bridesmaid this makes me feel even worse). I didn't get to visit my bro at Valley Camp, or my bestest friend Tyanna for her birthday. I didn't even get my laundry done! NOTHING. What a waste of a beautiful day!

My dog was fantastic, though. My little cuddle buggle. And Stu did every meticulous thing I asked him to, from delivering my book, water, ibuprofen, more water. He overall just tolerated my whining. There was lots and LOTS of whining. WAH! I love him. Interesting how easily we take our health for granted, until we aren't feeling well.

Anyway, I'm feeling considerably better today. My back is still killing me, but the pain killer is helping with that. I prefer not to take over the counter (or any other, for that matter) meds, but when you hurt like I have been, it's so worth it to find that sweet relief.

I guess my bro is getting his 30 day chip on Saturday, not Wednesday. I would still like to visit him on Wednesday, though. Makes me happy to see him doing well, looking healthy and feeling strong.

Hope this work week passes quickly, I've got about a hundred things I'd like to do this coming weekend. Need to make up for having spent all of that time in bed. Oh dear, it makes me sick again just to think of it!