Starting Again

Ryan Montbleau Band played [for me] on Tuesday. While a lot of live music is about the performance for me, with Ryan it's really about the music. His lyricism is poetry, it's pithy, it's clever. He is the epitome of everything I love about music. The emotion, the delivery, the pain, the lesson.. I fell in love with him all over again. He captivates my mind. He activates my soul.


First set started off somewhat shy. Christie, her cousin Keva and I were in our front-row table seating. I kept turning to Christie to convey my excitement. She understood! Christie had fallen in love with Ryan in the backseat of my car on our Cali road trip. I heard weeping and glanced at her in the rear-view. "I'm fine." she said. It all made sense. I was happy to know someone else was as moved by him as I.

Smiley drummer, James, and Christie were talking and dancing together with the music. Ryan was surprisingly solemn, but don't think I didn't notice his sideways smirk as he was noticing me.
As the crowd became more energetic so did the music. At some point there felt like a large shift from intimately personal performance to noisy drunk crowd.

There was the token drunk girl. Ryan and the boys handled it in the most adorable and respectable of ways. Say oooh! (oooh!)Say Heyoh! (Heyoh!) Say please get off the stage. (Please get off the stage). Thank you! (Thank you!)


He moved me to near-tears, and back again. The audience was kind of rude by the second set. Not really listening. Lots of talking. Drunk girl spilled beer all over me, and was totally oblivious. She didn't ruin my night any. I was even pegged as #1 fan by a cute hippie girl who danced near me, a title I accepted with pride.


The show was perfect: and then it was over.

No matter how I try to convince myself it's silly to fall in love with total strangers, it never seems to stick. We exchanged words at his last performance in October. Though, it was more my blushing and stammering and his genuine "Thank you." than anything else I thought certainly I'd have an opportunity to speak to him with composure for once! A bunch of people climbed aboard the big bus, and I felt a pang of jealousy. I am not that groupie girl. I am not that groupie girl. I am not that groupie girl! But oh how I longed to be in that moment.

Christie and I reluctantly climbed into my car, I shot one last longing look at the bus and drove away.

Weekend update:

Friday was nice and relaxing. Went with Ma to stay in Syracuse for my Grandma's birthday. Saw the Soloist. Good movie, tugged on the compassionate heartstrings. Saw my Grandmother, at 65 in her poor health. She nearly died of exhaustion walking through the movie theater! Definitely made my brain tick, thinking about the polarities between her and my healthy clean-living Grams at 85. Lois, my mother's mother, has always been "crazy". She smoked cigarettes as long as I can remember, up until about 3 years ago when she finally kicked the habit. Makes me feel good, apparently I was a good motivator in helping her quit. (don't ask how, I'm back on the habit wagon now.) Either way, the years of abuse on her body, it's definitely caught up to her. She was/is a pain pill user too, among other things, I'm sure. Anyway, her sadness was heart wrenching. She was not a good mother for all of my mom's adolescence. Mom is pretty good about not saying bad things to her, but her siblings have always been vocal about keeping Grandma Lois at arms length, barring grudges and clinging to wounds (rightfully so) that are deep but very old. She said "I have to suffer everyday knowing that I wasn't a good mother, and now that I want to be I don't have the opportunity." Made my heart yearn to comfort her, and feel bad for not being closer to her throughout my life. When I mentioned that she should get out and walk the dogs, get some exercise.. fresh air, she commented on how she doesn't really care, she feels she has nothing to live for. It was pretty sad. I was glad to be there and see her smile on her birthday.


Saturday: Earth Jam and Christie's Birthday Celebration.

The weather was shit. Truly. Some rain, very cold. It was unfortunate for those who played at the fest, the turnout was less than desirable. The interaction of humans was limited. I didn't stay long. Met up with Christie as she napped in preparation of the evening and excitement ahead. Kim came and we left to Twi around 8. I was really excited, and feeling quite parched if you know what I mean. I got particularly cute, knowing my crushboy Stu would be arriving. He'd RSVP'd and everything! We had a beautiful cake, lots of loved ones. I even got her with the trickery candles.. muahahaha. As the night wore on I found myself longing for the fresh face, kind eyes, piercing smile of the Stu! Where was he? No say.

I met a lovely woman Jahanna from Jersey. She was crude and raunchy and we hit it off instantly. She kept calling me her future daughter-in-law, and even insisted that she call her handsome son from my phone so we could meet up. I already have my eye on someone, sure, but he was nowhere to be found. Why not? Alcohol is a factor in all of my wisest decisions! Son is already quite drunk, and the guy on the other end of the phone line sounds eerily like my brother. Not in vocal tone, but in conversation mannerism. People-pleasing drunk. Meh. I continued to become more intoxicated and tried to brush off the budding frustration and, shamefully, hurt I was feeling at being stood up by Stu. No courtesy call? Not cool. The party was fun, I was happy to see Christie so happy. We parted ways and she went to some hot tub gathering. This didn't sound gratifying to me, with the emotional mood I was in. I went home to Christie's, wrote some sappy emails and poetry. Climbed into her bed and dozed into a deep and dreamless intoxicated slumber.


Sunday: Earth Jam

Daddy's band was scheduled to play at 2:00 pm. It was 1:00 and I was still in bed. Shit! My car was still at the bar. I forced myself into my clothes and down the street. Christie, thankfully, lives nearby the park. Music's cool, people come and go. Lots of smiles, even some periodical sunshine. Jon O arrives and gifts me a Labcoat CD! :) YAY! Jahanna's son calls me, so I tell him to come to the park. I was right in thinking he was a lot like my brother. Way beyond comfortably so. And he's a cop. No thank you. He bounced out at some point when I trailed off to wander. I get my car back. Lacoat plays. Fry Sauce plays. Good stuff.

I head to Daddy's for some eats and some puppy love. The pups always help. I was still feeling the sting of the stand up, trying not to over think it. Wondering if I should expect to be blown off for our pre-determined "date" on Monday. He texted me casually around 9, asking me to meet him for a drink. I declined, snubbing him for the blow off. He had a good excuse, even threw in an "I've been missing you.." Sigh. Okay, pains redeemed. It doesn't take much with me. I'm hoping to see him tonight, where I will express the importance of frankness. I don't care if you can't always do what you say you're going to, that's fine, I get in moods too. At least have the decency to shoot me a text letting me know. Plus, it was his loss. I looked hot that night. Wish me luck in the future, believe it or not, I really do like him. A lot.

Happy Earth Day!

Last night was entertaining. Free Michael Franti show at the Gallivan Center. One thing I'm crazy about in my city is the abundance of FREE MUSIC once the sun comes out to play. Everyone seems to come out of the winter woodwork, and seeing so many familiar warm faces makes my heart soar! Ran into some of my favorite festival friends. My cute brother was with me. It was just a generally good feeling day. No surprise there though, I suppose.

Michael always puts on an entertaining show. I have a ton of respect for him, he is so kind to SLC and it's patrons. I've seen him play a number of times (more than I want to even try to count) for free. Free music is the best music. That's not saying that musicians shouldn't be paid, however. I love my city and I love my people. I am infinitely blessed.

Went to Johnny's on 2nd afterwards. That place is really beginning to grow on me. I really like their outdoor front patio. Interaction with the city and the street while still mingling properly in mild-temperate weather. Plus cute Stu came, that always makes my night. I like him.

Even Khaiei came out last night. It was a treat. I never see him at Twi, or anywhere really, anymore. We really had a ball. My brother, as usual, was in his prime wasted form. He tried to rap battle Stu and Khaiei. While I know he's very entertaining, I'm clouded with guilt when I say it's embarrassing. Stepping into the babysitter role is something I feel like I'm required to do all too often. It shouldn't feel like work to look after loved ones, but sometimes it does. I want my brother to feel that he's welcome in my circle. Especially with his recent struggles with drinking excessively, thoughts of suicide and depression. It sucks that we butt heads and I begin to sound like my mother by the end of the night. I don't mean in the good way, either. (Love you Ma.) I hate to be party to him being so hard on himself, but it's nearly impossible for me to stay silent when he's making such an utter ass out of himself. Walking into the ladies restroom, starting stupid (mock) arguments with strangers. It's funny for everyone to watch, but they aren't laughing with him, if you catch my drift.

Had to walk him back to Mason's and place him on the couch. I was slightly bitter about this. I wanted more of those Stewie kisses, Wee!

Back to work and to ponder these thoughts.

Jah Bless.

Oh what a life!

Entry number one: Where do I begin?

Everything is so perfectly strange! I'm wholly convinced that I'm the most blessed 21 year old on the planet. This will affirm itself in the future, you'll see.

I just acquired a disc of the photos from my friends' birthday party this past Saturday night. Madness ensued! "Dirty Thirty" was the theme and, apparently, getting shitty was the idea. No exceptions that I'm aware of. I had no idea what to expect going in but, naturally, I had to arrive with a 30 pack of beer. Did you know PBR comes in thirty packs now? This was a great social advancement in my community. This party had it all: copious amounts of alcohol, dear friends, drum sessions, accent parties (where are you from?), hat-switching parties, barking seals, and lots of wookies. Not to mention, the man I've had my eye on for months.

It was still relatively early into the evening (I think so, that is) when the first round of wrestling madness took place. In the hallway! Another party patron, Nick, decided he ought to break it up. Nick is a big guy. They listened for about 2 minutes before starting up again. I stood by with my infamous loud-laugh and enjoyed the view. What's not to like? Men being MANLY in their testosterone. It was pure bromance, I assure you. No hard feelings involved. Entertainment value at it's very best.
Bradley, how does your arm contort like so? He's Juan Don Ellis, that's how! Proof of bromance below.
I'd like to take a brief moment to sing the praises of these two men. They're amazing and I love them. Period.

Night goes on, I'm mingling with the crowd. Laughing hard, playing drums, flirting boy. Finally, it's been announced: 3 am on the lawn, the "real" match is on! Stu and Brad have been hyping this wrestling match for months. It's going to be an epic battle, it's obvious by their brotherly shit talk. I wanted to photograph it! Turns out, camera could not be found in the mess that is my vehicle, oops. (Thank you for capturing this, Miles!) I did get a good kiss out of the whole deal though. hehe.

In the meantime, neighbor girl is getting married and celebrating with a bachelorette party, Naturally. Over the fence we see a boy in his undies with a riding crop in hand. He gets invited over, and I get the pleasure of whipping Bradley's ass 30 glorious times. Happy Birthday! 23 must have been a good year, I think that's the one that broke the whip. Get busy judging me, I'm really a nice little girl! A couple stolen kisses later, and it's 3 am.. and it's time for the real shit.

Bradley and Stu, sizing each other up.

The wrestling match was beyond epic. There might as well have been theme music playing. Round one, Stu did really well. Pinned Brad good a couple of times. All in all, the mixture of the alcohol (lots) did different things to both of them. It essentially made Stu's reflexes a little slower and turned Brad into a vicious machine! Round two, and things began to really heat up. In attempts to coach and motivate Stu to push through, Tyler Crow shouts "I HAVE MONEY!" I think the translation to that actually meant, 'I have money riding on this.' (whopping 9 dollars).. come on Stewie!

I was rooting for Stu, naturally. How could I not? Lookit that grizzly beard!

Things started to get ugly quickly. At one point, Brad picked Stu up off of the ground and threw him down, adding the force of his body weight to the fall. The audience members all thought it was hilarious, but it was certain there would be some aching bodies in the morning.

Tyler Crow, attempting to pull Brad off Stu. He's got money [on this], after all!

Wrestling match died down and as a consolation prize, I awarded the loser lots of kisses. Though I'm not sure as it was a prize for him so much as it was for me. Apparently he was really drunk. But I wasn't! I climbed into a cab and left my pretty pumps at the party somewhere. This all seemed perfectly acceptable. In hindsight, it still kind of is. Endearing, if nothing else. The hard part was calling the cab in the morning and doing the same thing again!

Wow. That was a really fun night.