Well, this is close enough.
I’m battling this angry demon. It wants me to lash out, to show the strength of my ugly and watch as it burns you with every whisper. I’m going to refrain. I’m going to bite my tongue so hard and taste the blood running down my throat. Raw and real: like these emotions. Why can’t you miss me for five fucking minutes? Why can’t you ever show any sign of weakness or giving a shit? Why don’t you stay true to your word? You said you wanted nothing more than to be my friend. You couldn’t imagine life without me being a part of it. What a fucked up and way to weasel out.
I want you to die. Really. If you did, I’d be okay with not hearing from you. It’d be okay for me to forgive you and let go and maybe even miss you. Right now, all I can think of is the many ways you make me sick. Terrible things I could say to you- wishing I could watch the shattered look on your face as I did. I want you to fucking cry. Cry until you are gasping for air and your whole body trembles. I’m not going to tell you these things. I’m not going to give you the satisfaction of knowing just how fucked up I am as a result of knowing you. I am not going to speak of how I regret every second of my life from the moment I met you. I regret everything. I’d rather be dead.
I’m going to trust that the next [poor sad pathetic] woman who comes into your life is ruthless. She’ll do all of this for me. She’ll tear down every bit of your self-worth, and spit it in your face. She’ll delight in manipulating you. She’ll be honest about how frustrating it is to have a man who can’t (and doesn’t really try) to perform in bed. She’ll tell you about her dwindling sex drive and due to lack of satisfaction. She’ll tell you you’re a selfish loser, too lazy to actually work for anything. Bad person, bad friend, liar, flake.. She’ll magnify it all. I hope you choke on it. I hope she humiliates you, and then walks away.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
One more attempt at authenticity
Another sad story on the books. The broken dreamer, once again left alone. All of the ugliest parts of me are exposed, gloating. Vicious, ugly wounds, torn open. I long to watch you suffer, to feel something even somewhat similar to the terror I feel with each inhale. I want to watch you burn.
I long for sound sleep; weeks of dreamless darkness. Sleep just long enough to let today- these feelings- turn in to past. Wake up knowing this bitterness, the ugly beast within me, has retired to the land of forgotten yesterdays. Wake up already knowing these crude lessons. A time lapse long enough to learn them- please just don't make me feel them.
I hate you. I want so fucking badly to hate you, in your ugly fucking mask. A fool's poor disguise. Your costume's wearing thin. I see you. I see you for what you really are and I hate every molecule of it. I hate that you tricked me. I hate that my mind tricked me into thinking I could help "save" someone so fucking lost. I weep for your poor family, neglected. I weep for your son, abandoned. I weep for me. I weep on your behalf, because you seem to be entirely stuck in a state of unfeeling. So numb to all of the pain, you inflict it on others, just to watch them feel. I'm writhing at your mercy, spitting blood and glass. I fucking hate you.
I fucking hate that I love you.
I dream of trading places today, with anyone. A whole new set of shitstormed troubles, a distraction from this hatred. Six kids, cheating husband, sleepless nights, 60 hour work weeks.. give it all to me. You just be me for a while, mundane. Too much time to think about everything that's happening. Analyze every detail, re-read every fucked up lie. Twist betrayal's knife, just for the hell of it. Remind yourself that all of your relationships are superficial. Think up reasons why your "friends" aren't your friends. Look in the mirror and dissect every ugly piece of yourself. Try to think of one thing that's beautiful. Hold your dog and cry. Watch him and laugh.. but not so loud that you actually believe that you mean it.
I long for sound sleep; weeks of dreamless darkness. Sleep just long enough to let today- these feelings- turn in to past. Wake up knowing this bitterness, the ugly beast within me, has retired to the land of forgotten yesterdays. Wake up already knowing these crude lessons. A time lapse long enough to learn them- please just don't make me feel them.
I hate you. I want so fucking badly to hate you, in your ugly fucking mask. A fool's poor disguise. Your costume's wearing thin. I see you. I see you for what you really are and I hate every molecule of it. I hate that you tricked me. I hate that my mind tricked me into thinking I could help "save" someone so fucking lost. I weep for your poor family, neglected. I weep for your son, abandoned. I weep for me. I weep on your behalf, because you seem to be entirely stuck in a state of unfeeling. So numb to all of the pain, you inflict it on others, just to watch them feel. I'm writhing at your mercy, spitting blood and glass. I fucking hate you.
I fucking hate that I love you.
I dream of trading places today, with anyone. A whole new set of shitstormed troubles, a distraction from this hatred. Six kids, cheating husband, sleepless nights, 60 hour work weeks.. give it all to me. You just be me for a while, mundane. Too much time to think about everything that's happening. Analyze every detail, re-read every fucked up lie. Twist betrayal's knife, just for the hell of it. Remind yourself that all of your relationships are superficial. Think up reasons why your "friends" aren't your friends. Look in the mirror and dissect every ugly piece of yourself. Try to think of one thing that's beautiful. Hold your dog and cry. Watch him and laugh.. but not so loud that you actually believe that you mean it.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Today:
There is much happening in my life and the lives of my loved ones. Big events that leave you changed forever. I stand in the middle, watching and feeling as these circumstances happen. I am trying to abandon control.
Said goodbye to a beautiful soul yesterday as her loved ones gathered in a bittersweet celebration of her life. Her 6 year old daughter, Mia, danced on stage singing, "twinkle twinkle little star". She seemed totally unaware of the severity of the situation at hand. Poor beautiful baby. I pray your gentle spirit dances with her, Sweet Jamie. Sleep easy.
As the yin/yang would have it.. when the soul of a magnificent beauty departs this world, a new enters. One of my dearest friends, Kipp and his lady Kyrie welcome to Earth the beautiful Kaylie Jay Williams!
As the yin/yang would have it.. when the soul of a magnificent beauty departs this world, a new enters. One of my dearest friends, Kipp and his lady Kyrie welcome to Earth the beautiful Kaylie Jay Williams!
She is pretty much going to be the coolest little kid ever born. Can't wait to go meet her! Love the idea of finally getting the Auntie status I've been dreaming of. Baby hunger can now be nourished! She already looks like Kipe... young pad wan! Love her.
Other things: close knit and very serious family problems. Each are in relation to substance abuse/addiction and the effects these things have on families and lives. Please mutter an extra prayer, if you're the prayin' type. My family could use all of the help we can get.
In regards to ME and my life, I'm finally turning that corner to spiritual and emotional recovery. Being in an emotionally abusive relationship really takes it's toll on a girl. My biggest struggle as of late has just been trying to pinpoint the insecurities. Where do I feel most vulnerable and likely to retreat into myself? What specific environments make me feel comfortable? I reassure myself (because it's the damn truth) that being introverted is more uncomfortable to me than anything. It's not who I am! I am beautiful. My feelings, statements, and opinions are interesting and valid. People [usually] like me! I'm trying to allow this delicate flower inside of me to flourish, and return to it's once resilient strong state. I am choosing environments and people who make me feel empowered. I am speaking positive mantras in regards to body image, social situations and my own personal feelings. I am worthy of your love and acceptance! If you disagree, you're not worthy of mine! Just keep tellin 'em that, girl..
When I'm wearing my own skin, laughing out loud in a group setting, I know I'm being my authentic self. When I choose not to vocalize for fear of judgment or shame, I am being deceitful and fake. Today, I choose to be my best self!
With strong conviction in the content of my character, the amount of love and support I have to offer those close to me, I have no reason to feel insecure or unlovable.. because I am leading my best life! I choose honesty, integrity, love, laughter, kindness. Life is about showing up, y'all. The rest will take care of itself.
We tread on such fragile ground when we allow fear to stand in our way. Be you! Be honest! Express feelings! Each time I lose a friend I remember just how temporary all of this is. It's time I start letting people know; letting my true self show. For real this time, I strive to live authentically.
Other things: close knit and very serious family problems. Each are in relation to substance abuse/addiction and the effects these things have on families and lives. Please mutter an extra prayer, if you're the prayin' type. My family could use all of the help we can get.
In regards to ME and my life, I'm finally turning that corner to spiritual and emotional recovery. Being in an emotionally abusive relationship really takes it's toll on a girl. My biggest struggle as of late has just been trying to pinpoint the insecurities. Where do I feel most vulnerable and likely to retreat into myself? What specific environments make me feel comfortable? I reassure myself (because it's the damn truth) that being introverted is more uncomfortable to me than anything. It's not who I am! I am beautiful. My feelings, statements, and opinions are interesting and valid. People [usually] like me! I'm trying to allow this delicate flower inside of me to flourish, and return to it's once resilient strong state. I am choosing environments and people who make me feel empowered. I am speaking positive mantras in regards to body image, social situations and my own personal feelings. I am worthy of your love and acceptance! If you disagree, you're not worthy of mine! Just keep tellin 'em that, girl..
When I'm wearing my own skin, laughing out loud in a group setting, I know I'm being my authentic self. When I choose not to vocalize for fear of judgment or shame, I am being deceitful and fake. Today, I choose to be my best self!
With strong conviction in the content of my character, the amount of love and support I have to offer those close to me, I have no reason to feel insecure or unlovable.. because I am leading my best life! I choose honesty, integrity, love, laughter, kindness. Life is about showing up, y'all. The rest will take care of itself.
We tread on such fragile ground when we allow fear to stand in our way. Be you! Be honest! Express feelings! Each time I lose a friend I remember just how temporary all of this is. It's time I start letting people know; letting my true self show. For real this time, I strive to live authentically.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Introspect
Pressing myself to write this, because I've been engrossed in such a state of "blah" that even talking to loved ones seems more chore-like than therapeutic. I know better.
I don't want to use the word depressed, because it sounds so dark and sad. I'm not feeling dark and sad, I'm fully aware of just how completely numb I am. For weeks now, I've felt essentially nothing. This could be a comfort, if it weren't for the fact that there is some really great stuff going on.
In my recently-terminated relationship, I knew for a long time that it wasn't working. I awaited the day when it was pronounced dead officially. When it actually became real, I couldn't help but find myself standing over the metaphorical dead corpse and checking for a pulse every 5 minutes. Nothing. In my realization of that fact, I wonder lots of things. My self-esteem (body image issues) is at the forefront of my mind, and I wonder who, if anyone, would or could ever find me attractive. My mind, sure, but when it comes to intimacy there needs to be a certain level of raw LUST involved. I don't feel confident enough to even allow someone to lust after me, even if they did.
More potent than that truth, is the fact that I find myself longing for physical relations. Before the ex, to say that I had an unhealthy relationship with men and sex, would be an understatement. Without even being aware of it, I was so desperate for love and affection. I don't remember a time in my life from the age of about fourteen where I didn't have some love interest to chase and obsess over. Naturally, not all of these relations were sexual, but the yearning was still there. In the ones that were physical, many were short lived once I shared my body. "The way men work," so to speak.
In my deep mad wild intense relationship with *ex, I learned that being physical is only a minor fraction of what it means to really love someone. Intimacy is communication, not sexuality. Connection and flesh are not the same thing, not by a long shot. So why am I eager to jump back to the temporary comfort blanket of sex, and all of the implied complications that follow? I don't know.
Why, despite knowing these two things to be solid fact, do I still struggle with them? I'm not ready (physically, mentally, emotionally) to have a sexual relationship with someone because I'm struggling to be comfortable in my own skin, and while I long for intimacy- it's not all it's cracked up to be. I know I'd end up feeling even more numb and empty than I already do.
On the plus side, I'm officially moved into a wonderful new home with two amazing girls. We laugh our asses of everyday, and it's been a real blessing having them near. I'm excited to grow closer together and build memories that will last. However, we've been in there for more than 3 weeks now, and I'm still not even "settled in" to my room (see "blah" above). I want to be, everyday I tell myself I'm going to get moving- only to melt into the couch. This is okay, the public zones are livable. Not yet decorated, but comfortable. Housewarming is scheduled for August 7th, so it'll definitely be done before then.
Also, my dog is pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to me. He loves me. This comforts me. He makes waking up kind of fun, and that's a big accomplishment in itself.
I don't want to use the word depressed, because it sounds so dark and sad. I'm not feeling dark and sad, I'm fully aware of just how completely numb I am. For weeks now, I've felt essentially nothing. This could be a comfort, if it weren't for the fact that there is some really great stuff going on.
In my recently-terminated relationship, I knew for a long time that it wasn't working. I awaited the day when it was pronounced dead officially. When it actually became real, I couldn't help but find myself standing over the metaphorical dead corpse and checking for a pulse every 5 minutes. Nothing. In my realization of that fact, I wonder lots of things. My self-esteem (body image issues) is at the forefront of my mind, and I wonder who, if anyone, would or could ever find me attractive. My mind, sure, but when it comes to intimacy there needs to be a certain level of raw LUST involved. I don't feel confident enough to even allow someone to lust after me, even if they did.
More potent than that truth, is the fact that I find myself longing for physical relations. Before the ex, to say that I had an unhealthy relationship with men and sex, would be an understatement. Without even being aware of it, I was so desperate for love and affection. I don't remember a time in my life from the age of about fourteen where I didn't have some love interest to chase and obsess over. Naturally, not all of these relations were sexual, but the yearning was still there. In the ones that were physical, many were short lived once I shared my body. "The way men work," so to speak.
In my deep mad wild intense relationship with *ex, I learned that being physical is only a minor fraction of what it means to really love someone. Intimacy is communication, not sexuality. Connection and flesh are not the same thing, not by a long shot. So why am I eager to jump back to the temporary comfort blanket of sex, and all of the implied complications that follow? I don't know.
Why, despite knowing these two things to be solid fact, do I still struggle with them? I'm not ready (physically, mentally, emotionally) to have a sexual relationship with someone because I'm struggling to be comfortable in my own skin, and while I long for intimacy- it's not all it's cracked up to be. I know I'd end up feeling even more numb and empty than I already do.
On the plus side, I'm officially moved into a wonderful new home with two amazing girls. We laugh our asses of everyday, and it's been a real blessing having them near. I'm excited to grow closer together and build memories that will last. However, we've been in there for more than 3 weeks now, and I'm still not even "settled in" to my room (see "blah" above). I want to be, everyday I tell myself I'm going to get moving- only to melt into the couch. This is okay, the public zones are livable. Not yet decorated, but comfortable. Housewarming is scheduled for August 7th, so it'll definitely be done before then.
Also, my dog is pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to me. He loves me. This comforts me. He makes waking up kind of fun, and that's a big accomplishment in itself.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I suppose it’s okay that I catch up now. You know, start blogging again. Life has done a complete 180.. maybe stretched a little further than that.
The people who mean most to me have solidified their presence. The best friends in the world, one might say. I’ve got old friends, new friends, some fabulous in-betweeners.
I move into my new place on Friday, with two girls I adore. Couldn’t be happier about the way things are going. Looking UP, indeed! Adventures, laughter, and FUN are just around the bend. Can’t even wait!
What else? Lots of personal stuff going on.. finding a balance between the head/heart battle. Crossing the bridge of forgiveness and acceptance. Honesty, faith, hope, and a clear picture of the future I envision. My dog is still my #1 man, a daily reminder of what’s most important. If I strive to be more like him, playful, open, loyal. Open to give love freely, forgiving of past mistakes. I know I'll be a better person and a better friend. I strive to remember this in my moments of bitch-itude and "me-ness." I can be really self-righteous and preachy. A know-it-all with lots of shit to spit in your face. I'm working on it. Just need to remember!
I’ll update my Desert Rocks journey here, soon (maybe later today). Love to all!
The people who mean most to me have solidified their presence. The best friends in the world, one might say. I’ve got old friends, new friends, some fabulous in-betweeners.
I move into my new place on Friday, with two girls I adore. Couldn’t be happier about the way things are going. Looking UP, indeed! Adventures, laughter, and FUN are just around the bend. Can’t even wait!
What else? Lots of personal stuff going on.. finding a balance between the head/heart battle. Crossing the bridge of forgiveness and acceptance. Honesty, faith, hope, and a clear picture of the future I envision. My dog is still my #1 man, a daily reminder of what’s most important. If I strive to be more like him, playful, open, loyal. Open to give love freely, forgiving of past mistakes. I know I'll be a better person and a better friend. I strive to remember this in my moments of bitch-itude and "me-ness." I can be really self-righteous and preachy. A know-it-all with lots of shit to spit in your face. I'm working on it. Just need to remember!
I’ll update my Desert Rocks journey here, soon (maybe later today). Love to all!
Monday, May 24, 2010
A New Leaf?
Eric McFadden Trio- Desert Rocks '07 (photo by me)Monday's all-too-tight embrace has returned. All is well.
Got some of the biggest humps in the Desert Rocks plan taken care of. Did I mention that we are setting up Sun Catcher Camp? It's going to be dainty, feminine, and inviting for visitors. People stop by and make their own sun catcher. I am ecstatic! So many little details we are focusing our energy on to ensure we have the best damn camp at the festival. Can I just say, I LOVE my girlfriends. This little retreat is going to be absolutely perfect. Just what I need at such a crazy space in my life.
I cleaned out my car..whew! Believe me, this is a feat in itself. I'm not exactly an "organized" person. Granted, it wasn't full of fast food bags and garbage, but dang! I've really got to be better about that. Seriously.
Got a TON of laundry done. Organized my costumes and playa (that's burnspeak for FUN) wear. Weather appropriate stuff.. all of it! Camp Decor, craft miscellany, edibles, etc..
The only things left on my to-do list:
1. Groceries (not buying until Thursday)
2. Batteries (for flashlight/digicam)
3. physically pack bag and load into car.
That's it! with 4 days to go. What a relief! Things moving into place quite smoothly. Is it because it feels like I'm looking forward to this fest more than any ever before? Possibly. Mostly, I'm excited. This is my first real "theme camp" (at a non-burn event, hah). It's going to be so delightful to play in the Moab sun* and laugh it up with my favorite ladies.
Just the thought makes my heart sing.
*let us pray we get non-stop SUNSHINE this year!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
"I smell like a woman whose dream is so close she can TASTE it."
Time to talk about the MUSIC! The real reason I started this blog wasn't to gain followers (so far..success!) but to document these vivid moments of magic that occur so rapidly in my life, for fear they may otherwise disappear. Live music is so deeply engrained in my psyche, I cannot imagine a world without it. Easily, the most spiritual experiences I've had in my life have all been deeply rooted in music. It's really ethereal, out of body. Witnessing and the joys and heartbreaks that happen simultaneously when a musician really connects with their audience, it's perfect. I love the quirks.. reading the body language between band members, feeding on and to a performer's energy.. magic. I use the word magic often because certain things feel so unbelievable, so overwhelmingly beautiful.
Anyway, live music is an addiction I can never get enough of. I could see a new musician every day of my life and never grow tired of it. Assuming I have much life left to live, you'll be hearing a LOT about my show/festival life. So strap in, kiddos. This is the good part!
May I just start by saying that it feels so amazing to be back in my body? I feel like I can breathe again! I knew I was disconnected.. but this! The music, the passion, the way it ignites in those moments where it's on.. How did I lose touch with that? Regardless, I'm back. Last night was but a teeny taste of the joys that are to come.
Ah, Mr. Montbleau (the musician of my dreams)! I discovered Ryan much by accident, walking to a separate stage at High Sierra Music festival in July of 2008 (on the very day pictured below). To say he was the best treat of the weekend would be putting it mildly. He spoke to me! He's got the most calm and poetic demeanor, and his words... they're so real. He brings the sorrows and joys of life to the surface, raw, where they can be thoroughly felt. His wisdom and insight have brought me to tears many a time, and the delivery is just a spectacular bonus.
Martin Sexton, where to begin? Martin's vocal chords are some sort of other-worldly enigma. He has a vocal range that is, quite literally, unbelievable. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'd marry that man if only he'd sing me to sleep and to rise each day and night. It does something to the body, hearing a voice like that. Ignites a fire in the soul. An eruption from the solar plexus traveling up and out the crown.. magic energy! Last night, I felt it as strong as ever. When the music takes hold, I can't help but lose myself in it. All else fades away, I stand alone in a crowded audience, just me and the musician(s). I can only imagine what it feels like to be up there, receiving all of that energy.
Anyway, live music is an addiction I can never get enough of. I could see a new musician every day of my life and never grow tired of it. Assuming I have much life left to live, you'll be hearing a LOT about my show/festival life. So strap in, kiddos. This is the good part!
May I just start by saying that it feels so amazing to be back in my body? I feel like I can breathe again! I knew I was disconnected.. but this! The music, the passion, the way it ignites in those moments where it's on.. How did I lose touch with that? Regardless, I'm back. Last night was but a teeny taste of the joys that are to come.
Ah, Mr. Montbleau (the musician of my dreams)! I discovered Ryan much by accident, walking to a separate stage at High Sierra Music festival in July of 2008 (on the very day pictured below). To say he was the best treat of the weekend would be putting it mildly. He spoke to me! He's got the most calm and poetic demeanor, and his words... they're so real. He brings the sorrows and joys of life to the surface, raw, where they can be thoroughly felt. His wisdom and insight have brought me to tears many a time, and the delivery is just a spectacular bonus.
The Ryan Montbleau Band is currently touring with Martin Sexton. Not only are they his opening band, but they are also his backing musicians. What an honor! Christie, Frankie and I arrived frustratingly fashionably late last night, missing the better part of Ryan Montbleau Band's set. I'm still mourning this disappointment, but not so much that it ruined my evening. If anything, it made it all the sweeter. The boys played wonderfully, per usual. When they play parts 1-5 of "How Many Times," there is such an interesting serene that ripples among the crowd... one voice and a viola accompaniment telling such an enlightened and heartbreaking story of grief, loss, gratitude, acceptance and understanding. Such a bold and beautiful statement to be made by a performer. Love!
Martin Sexton, where to begin? Martin's vocal chords are some sort of other-worldly enigma. He has a vocal range that is, quite literally, unbelievable. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'd marry that man if only he'd sing me to sleep and to rise each day and night. It does something to the body, hearing a voice like that. Ignites a fire in the soul. An eruption from the solar plexus traveling up and out the crown.. magic energy! Last night, I felt it as strong as ever. When the music takes hold, I can't help but lose myself in it. All else fades away, I stand alone in a crowded audience, just me and the musician(s). I can only imagine what it feels like to be up there, receiving all of that energy.
via: http://icecreamman.com/2009/07/rothbury-2009/
To say that I love him is an understatement. He's one of those musicians I am perfectly content with seeing again and again. Each time he's in town is it's own brand of special treat. Not only do I love his music, but I love his audience! What a great crowd! So fun. Ran into a couple of old favorites* that I haven't seen in ages, danced and ogled and dreamed... Oh, life. Thank you for reminding me who I am. For a moment there, I was beholden to believe it was shameful. I now know just how kind a place like this can be..
Next up: Desert Rocks. 8 days and we're there! Much to plan.. much to do. :o)
Dream big, my favorites. Tell me about some of your great passions and moments of magic!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The world lost one of it's best
Don't have the strength to go into the details, just want to take a moment to honor a dear friend. Baloo, my boy! We love you, miss you, and think of you in every moment.
Don't forget to check in on your dad. He'll need to feel your love from time to time. He says you're out chasing rabbits, and hangin with some sexy bitches by the beach. I hope he's right. RIP, Buddy. Missing you all the time.
Don't forget to check in on your dad. He'll need to feel your love from time to time. He says you're out chasing rabbits, and hangin with some sexy bitches by the beach. I hope he's right. RIP, Buddy. Missing you all the time.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Outlook: Changing. To say the least
While I know I vowed to be more authentic in my blog, there is a private and reserved part of me that wants to keep certain details of my life private. But how authentic is that? Only talking about the pretty shit isn't REAL, it's not relatable, and more importantly it feels like lying on some level.
So I'll try to be brief and just vague enough as not to hurt those close to me. This is no gaurantee, and that's just the way the ball rolls.. roll with it.
To say that my relationship with my significant other has been rocky this past year would be an understatement. It's been a rollercoaster and a half. The ups have been enough to make your stomach flip in circles. The downs, well lets just say puking over the edge of a railing couldn't provide enough relief. It's been rough. But you know what? I've learned a hell of a lot. I'm terribly stubborn. I know this. It's not my strong point (at least, not typically). My backbone's only getting stronger, I know what I want, and I'm learning (consciously and slowly) to admit to my mistakes. I'm not perfect. I'm not always right. But I do know what's right for me.
Right now, the best thing we can do is put some space between us. There's been so much emotion involved it's only polluting the truth. Our love is real, but all of this petty bullshit- it's not. We need to take some time and learn what life might be like seperate. If it's harder out there than it is in here, so be it. We'll reunite. But we've got to stop ignoring the signs that we're doing things wrong. All wrong. It's time we take some action to right some of the wrongs in our relationship and our lives.
It sucks. Change sucks. Fear sucks. The idea of living in a new house with people I don't know is scary and it sucks. Being further from work, Zoo being home alone for my 9 hour work day sucks. Moving and sorting and trying to make sense of the tons and tons of STUFF I've accumulated over the last 22 years SUCKS.
But the most amazing thing is happening. I've been granted this amazing gift of calm. I'm absolutely certain it's going to be okay. It feels right (it IS right) and it's just another small bump in the road. Soon to be the past.
I'll look back on it fondly, probably forget all of the shit. I'll remember that someone really did love me, in a way I didn't ever have to question.
And we'll visit those memories and smile inside.
Tomorrow is a new day. Tonight, I forge ahead.
Just me and the Dude for now. I feel like that's okay.
So I'll try to be brief and just vague enough as not to hurt those close to me. This is no gaurantee, and that's just the way the ball rolls.. roll with it.
To say that my relationship with my significant other has been rocky this past year would be an understatement. It's been a rollercoaster and a half. The ups have been enough to make your stomach flip in circles. The downs, well lets just say puking over the edge of a railing couldn't provide enough relief. It's been rough. But you know what? I've learned a hell of a lot. I'm terribly stubborn. I know this. It's not my strong point (at least, not typically). My backbone's only getting stronger, I know what I want, and I'm learning (consciously and slowly) to admit to my mistakes. I'm not perfect. I'm not always right. But I do know what's right for me.
Right now, the best thing we can do is put some space between us. There's been so much emotion involved it's only polluting the truth. Our love is real, but all of this petty bullshit- it's not. We need to take some time and learn what life might be like seperate. If it's harder out there than it is in here, so be it. We'll reunite. But we've got to stop ignoring the signs that we're doing things wrong. All wrong. It's time we take some action to right some of the wrongs in our relationship and our lives.
It sucks. Change sucks. Fear sucks. The idea of living in a new house with people I don't know is scary and it sucks. Being further from work, Zoo being home alone for my 9 hour work day sucks. Moving and sorting and trying to make sense of the tons and tons of STUFF I've accumulated over the last 22 years SUCKS.
But the most amazing thing is happening. I've been granted this amazing gift of calm. I'm absolutely certain it's going to be okay. It feels right (it IS right) and it's just another small bump in the road. Soon to be the past.
I'll look back on it fondly, probably forget all of the shit. I'll remember that someone really did love me, in a way I didn't ever have to question.
And we'll visit those memories and smile inside.
Tomorrow is a new day. Tonight, I forge ahead.
Just me and the Dude for now. I feel like that's okay.
This was after the Festival of Colors, hence the pink face.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Pics to go along with previous post.
Visiting with Grandma Lois (clockwise from left: Mama, Cousin Chelsie, Moi, Grandma and Molly).
Mama, Grandma and myself.
Coolest glasses on Planet Earth, compliments of my grandmother. (bonus: they help me SEE better!)
My cute brother and his goofy mullet. So funny.
Family portrait! Love them!Life is good!
Monday, May 10, 2010
What A Ride!
Janna and I went to visit my brother last Wednesday, where he was presented his “30 day” sober chip. We didn’t tell him we were coming so it was a total surprise. Janna has been a fantastic friend to my bro over the years. I think it’s pretty safe to say she’s been there through the very best and worst of times. Aside from the getting totally lost minor detours, the visit was just perfect! The meeting was nice, small and interesting. I’m always impressed by his progress and the noticeable differences in his peers. You might not think so, but what a difference a week can make! We stayed and visited until 10 pm. We were happy to have headed up Wednesday anyway, because initially his 30 day presentation was postponed until Saturday. I’m happy we could be there for him to receive it.
Daddy’s new band played at the American Chemical Society’s end of year party at Murray Park on Thursday. Teri (my best friend since the 2nd grade) arranged it. After all of his nervous build up of not being “ready”, they rocked it! It was chilly, but a good time no less. Hard to compare things to seeing my daddy doing one of the things that makes him most happy. It’s visible all over! He’s the best dad, ever. Serious.
Since the onset of fall I’ve been living in 98% isolation. I began thinking about just how much this has been affecting me psychologically, and I came to one conclusion: It has to stop! I’ve been in such a strange hermit transition phase, so unlike me. I haven’t felt myself in ages, and rightfully so. I haven’t been! I made a commitment to first, make it known I still value the neglected relationships of my closest friends. The real friends, they’ll always be there, even when I ignore their calls (nothing personal), ditch out, and neglect them entirely for months at a time. However, that is no excuse to do those things! I am going to be better, I vowed. In a matter of a few short days, I feel that I already have.
Christie and I are sister-friends. The kind you can’t get rid of. She recently had a birthday. 37! She cites this as oldness, while I just roll my eyes. “Last year I was still early thirties… everything was fine. This year, I wake up and I’m forty. Forty and old!” She’s been through some hairy stuff lately, the loud pendulum of the biological clock swinging, losing a real honest love. I’m right there with her, and damnit, I think the woman deserves a drink! Took her out to the Jackalope (our dear friend Sunyin’s newly acquired gem!) and we talked and laughed, and I told my latest most famous story (which I may share…eventually), and laughed some more. I love her. I’d missed her. It was a good night.
Saturday morning I got to sleep in a bit. Stu went out shooting with his pops again, and I got the glorious morning to rest rest rest! There’s nothing that quite satisfies me the way a late-late morning can. Early risers, I see you! Looking down your nose at me. I care not! I’d promised Zoo he’d be worn out by early afternoon because I’d spent so little time with him earlier in the week, so we went on a morning walk. It was nice. Everyone loves his sweet face. Christie and I did lunch, at an old favorite I hadn’t been to in ages, Grove Market. This place has massive sandwiches. Bomb d, I’ll tell you what.
MOTHER’S DAY! It was a goodie. Mama, her fiancé Tim and I started by visiting my (mom’s mom) Grandma Lois. It was a brief visit, but good to see her. She’s got mediocre health, at best, and she looked better than she has in a long time. My cousin Chelsea, in 7th grade is a cute little shit. She’s at that age when you want to let her borrow your eyes for a day, in hopes the snot-itude would dissipate. It was a nice visit. We brunched at Andy’s, a little Greek spot on our way to visit Brother. It’s been a long-time family favorite and has yet to disappoint.
Visit with Bro was refreshingly mellow. We played some horseshoes, and sat and visited for a good three hours. His buddies cut his hair into a mullet! It’s hilarious! Sometimes I feel like I get more out of visiting him than he does. It’s just really nice to see him doing well. He’s my brother again! No longer do I spend my time with him in a constant state of worry and silent prayer. What a blessing!
Upon returning home I took Zoo to Liberty park where we walked and walked. He does so well on a leash, but when you include lots of people and other dogs as a distraction he pulls and pulls. He did better by the end of the walk than he did in the beginning. He’s getting it, but I need to be better about getting him out in heavily populated areas. It’s my job to propel him to be the best dog he can be (THE BEST, I just know it!). I need to remember this on those days I’d rather be in bed with a book and my honey. It’s good for both of us, both mentally and physically.
What are some of your habits that both benefit you and another? Do share!
Daddy’s new band played at the American Chemical Society’s end of year party at Murray Park on Thursday. Teri (my best friend since the 2nd grade) arranged it. After all of his nervous build up of not being “ready”, they rocked it! It was chilly, but a good time no less. Hard to compare things to seeing my daddy doing one of the things that makes him most happy. It’s visible all over! He’s the best dad, ever. Serious.
Since the onset of fall I’ve been living in 98% isolation. I began thinking about just how much this has been affecting me psychologically, and I came to one conclusion: It has to stop! I’ve been in such a strange hermit transition phase, so unlike me. I haven’t felt myself in ages, and rightfully so. I haven’t been! I made a commitment to first, make it known I still value the neglected relationships of my closest friends. The real friends, they’ll always be there, even when I ignore their calls (nothing personal), ditch out, and neglect them entirely for months at a time. However, that is no excuse to do those things! I am going to be better, I vowed. In a matter of a few short days, I feel that I already have.
Christie and I are sister-friends. The kind you can’t get rid of. She recently had a birthday. 37! She cites this as oldness, while I just roll my eyes. “Last year I was still early thirties… everything was fine. This year, I wake up and I’m forty. Forty and old!” She’s been through some hairy stuff lately, the loud pendulum of the biological clock swinging, losing a real honest love. I’m right there with her, and damnit, I think the woman deserves a drink! Took her out to the Jackalope (our dear friend Sunyin’s newly acquired gem!) and we talked and laughed, and I told my latest most famous story (which I may share…eventually), and laughed some more. I love her. I’d missed her. It was a good night.
Saturday morning I got to sleep in a bit. Stu went out shooting with his pops again, and I got the glorious morning to rest rest rest! There’s nothing that quite satisfies me the way a late-late morning can. Early risers, I see you! Looking down your nose at me. I care not! I’d promised Zoo he’d be worn out by early afternoon because I’d spent so little time with him earlier in the week, so we went on a morning walk. It was nice. Everyone loves his sweet face. Christie and I did lunch, at an old favorite I hadn’t been to in ages, Grove Market. This place has massive sandwiches. Bomb d, I’ll tell you what.
MOTHER’S DAY! It was a goodie. Mama, her fiancé Tim and I started by visiting my (mom’s mom) Grandma Lois. It was a brief visit, but good to see her. She’s got mediocre health, at best, and she looked better than she has in a long time. My cousin Chelsea, in 7th grade is a cute little shit. She’s at that age when you want to let her borrow your eyes for a day, in hopes the snot-itude would dissipate. It was a nice visit. We brunched at Andy’s, a little Greek spot on our way to visit Brother. It’s been a long-time family favorite and has yet to disappoint.
Visit with Bro was refreshingly mellow. We played some horseshoes, and sat and visited for a good three hours. His buddies cut his hair into a mullet! It’s hilarious! Sometimes I feel like I get more out of visiting him than he does. It’s just really nice to see him doing well. He’s my brother again! No longer do I spend my time with him in a constant state of worry and silent prayer. What a blessing!
Upon returning home I took Zoo to Liberty park where we walked and walked. He does so well on a leash, but when you include lots of people and other dogs as a distraction he pulls and pulls. He did better by the end of the walk than he did in the beginning. He’s getting it, but I need to be better about getting him out in heavily populated areas. It’s my job to propel him to be the best dog he can be (THE BEST, I just know it!). I need to remember this on those days I’d rather be in bed with a book and my honey. It’s good for both of us, both mentally and physically.
What are some of your habits that both benefit you and another? Do share!
Monday, May 3, 2010
not quite as I had planned..
What a weekend.. and it's over so soon!
Friday was exciting enough that I hardly remember it. We went to dinner somewhere. (?) and home for a movie and some cuddles. Slept early, slept late.
Saturday we ran some errands and went back to the Simply Sushi. It went down easy enough, but a couple of hours later it was just not agreeing with me! I was ill. Deathly. Ill. This carried into Sunday and I spent the majority of the day in bed, writhing in pain. Body and back ache (probably from spending so many simultaneous hours in bed) and my stomach is still not right. UGH! I am bummed I didn't get to go to Hope and George's hot pot soak (as a bridesmaid this makes me feel even worse). I didn't get to visit my bro at Valley Camp, or my bestest friend Tyanna for her birthday. I didn't even get my laundry done! NOTHING. What a waste of a beautiful day!
My dog was fantastic, though. My little cuddle buggle. And Stu did every meticulous thing I asked him to, from delivering my book, water, ibuprofen, more water. He overall just tolerated my whining. There was lots and LOTS of whining. WAH! I love him. Interesting how easily we take our health for granted, until we aren't feeling well.
Anyway, I'm feeling considerably better today. My back is still killing me, but the pain killer is helping with that. I prefer not to take over the counter (or any other, for that matter) meds, but when you hurt like I have been, it's so worth it to find that sweet relief.
I guess my bro is getting his 30 day chip on Saturday, not Wednesday. I would still like to visit him on Wednesday, though. Makes me happy to see him doing well, looking healthy and feeling strong.
Hope this work week passes quickly, I've got about a hundred things I'd like to do this coming weekend. Need to make up for having spent all of that time in bed. Oh dear, it makes me sick again just to think of it!
Friday was exciting enough that I hardly remember it. We went to dinner somewhere. (?) and home for a movie and some cuddles. Slept early, slept late.
Saturday we ran some errands and went back to the Simply Sushi. It went down easy enough, but a couple of hours later it was just not agreeing with me! I was ill. Deathly. Ill. This carried into Sunday and I spent the majority of the day in bed, writhing in pain. Body and back ache (probably from spending so many simultaneous hours in bed) and my stomach is still not right. UGH! I am bummed I didn't get to go to Hope and George's hot pot soak (as a bridesmaid this makes me feel even worse). I didn't get to visit my bro at Valley Camp, or my bestest friend Tyanna for her birthday. I didn't even get my laundry done! NOTHING. What a waste of a beautiful day!
My dog was fantastic, though. My little cuddle buggle. And Stu did every meticulous thing I asked him to, from delivering my book, water, ibuprofen, more water. He overall just tolerated my whining. There was lots and LOTS of whining. WAH! I love him. Interesting how easily we take our health for granted, until we aren't feeling well.
Anyway, I'm feeling considerably better today. My back is still killing me, but the pain killer is helping with that. I prefer not to take over the counter (or any other, for that matter) meds, but when you hurt like I have been, it's so worth it to find that sweet relief.
I guess my bro is getting his 30 day chip on Saturday, not Wednesday. I would still like to visit him on Wednesday, though. Makes me happy to see him doing well, looking healthy and feeling strong.
Hope this work week passes quickly, I've got about a hundred things I'd like to do this coming weekend. Need to make up for having spent all of that time in bed. Oh dear, it makes me sick again just to think of it!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Wednesday.. trudging right over that hump.
Did I forget to mention that my mama's getting married here soon? She and Tim got engaged early February, and are planning their futures together as we speak. Mom sold her house and is to be out completely by Friday! Oh, dear.. so bittersweet. I stopped by last night to say goodbye to my childhood home so chuck-full of memories. I walked through the huge backyard and pondered all of the good times. Our old swing set. The fort. The tree that once sat in our living room with presents surrounding it at Christmas time, once so tiny. Now standing easily 4 feet above my head. Little Jersey. Everything is different. Everything is changing. It's amazing how refreshing it is. Maybe I'm detached? I don't know. It all just seems "okay". Nothing spectacular. Nothing ordinary.
Found the most beautiful, eccentric, fabulous, LOUD victiorian dress to wear to Hope and George's wedding in June. I am bursting with excitement! Actual garment is much larger/bustier, obviously, as I am... but OMG. Hope has granted me permission, she's even more extravagant than I (far more, really) and she loves it. This makes life even better.
Apparently my dog ate $200.00 this morning.. not so cool. Big trouble, Mister!
What else? Dinner tonight with Erin and the kiddies. I used to nanny for these 4 munchkins and I love them all to bits! Layla's first grade class does "teach & tell" on Fridays (formerly known as Show & Tell) and wants to teach her class about me! "Jordeenie!" She's the cutest freakin' thing. Everyone thinks she's my daughter she looks so much like me. She's not though, as far as I know.
Zoo is playing around with Hope and George (and their 2 mutts ZoZo and Pyro), so I'll be picking him up later this evening and he can tell me all about it! I am so fortunate.. life is kind.
Hope Wednesday is rolling smoothly for all of you! Stay positive, the weekend's officially in sight!
Apparently my dog ate $200.00 this morning.. not so cool. Big trouble, Mister!
What else? Dinner tonight with Erin and the kiddies. I used to nanny for these 4 munchkins and I love them all to bits! Layla's first grade class does "teach & tell" on Fridays (formerly known as Show & Tell) and wants to teach her class about me! "Jordeenie!" She's the cutest freakin' thing. Everyone thinks she's my daughter she looks so much like me. She's not though, as far as I know.
Zoo is playing around with Hope and George (and their 2 mutts ZoZo and Pyro), so I'll be picking him up later this evening and he can tell me all about it! I am so fortunate.. life is kind.
Hope Wednesday is rolling smoothly for all of you! Stay positive, the weekend's officially in sight!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Weekend Wrap Up
Friday night Stu and I went out to the most delicious sushi dinner I've had in a very long time! I Love Sushi was kind of a miss the first round, but I think our good experience can be acredited to our chef, Tony! He was a fantastic, funny, smart-ass of a sushi chef, and very FAST too. (just how we like it!) He reminded me of Hiro Nakamura.So adorable! He kept giving us little surprise treats in between our ordering rolls. Such a great time!
Afterwards, we went home and watched an episode of Heroes (see Hiro, above) before remembering that our dear friend Sunyin was creating quite a buzz with hints about opening her own bar on her facebook page this week. We pull up the FB, and there it is! Sun is now the proud owner of The Jackaloupe. This is a huge deal for Sun, something she's dreamed of for over 10 years. Due to some interesting circumstance and shady business at her previous employer, this opportunity just fell into her lap. I'm so happy for her. She deserves all the success in the world! We stopped in for a celebratory toast. Fun times!
Stu and Aaron had been out shooting guns all day with Stu's dad and brother. He was so high from the rush, it's all they could talk about for hours! It made me so happy to see him so lit up about it. What a fun day, all in all. I had been stewing a huge pot of marinara all day, so I made some side dishes and we all ate together. Something about cooking for a group of people just feels so good. I wish I could do it everyday! We watched A Scanner Darkly, moved some furniture around, cleaned house and just vegged for the rest of the night.
Sundays have become my new day to look forward to each week. My brother was a late bloomer, I don't even think he started drinking until he was legally of age. This sounds practical in sentence form, but seems out of the ordinary these days. It didn't take long to notice that he wasn't just a casual drinker. He drank until the bottle was empty (and whatever else was within reach). Over the past few years his drinking became more and more of a problem. A true source of worry for all who loved him. Anyone who knows and loves an alcoholic knows first-hand, they are the most selfish people on the planet when it comes to their drinking. We did everything we knew how to help him, but it really boiled down to his desire to get sober, which wasn't there until recently.
Last year sometime, he met a girl from Arizona, fell in distant love with her, and decided to take the leap and move down AZ to be with her. It wasn't long before she noticed his drinking problem, and it caused a major blockage in their relationship, and I believe it was almost exactly two months later that he came home. Little did I know it was with the intention of seeking help. His stay at Valley Camp was a God-send, to say the least. It's not a rehab facility. There are no doctors present, no aids to help the body along in it's process of detoxification. They are not held there against their will.
The compound was purchased by a man named Bill. Bill's story is the first in the A.A. Big Book, and is one that resonates well with most alcoholics, whether recovering or not. It's a place of real peace and compassion. My brother is there with 9 other recovering alcoholics, all with sobriety dates ranging between 1 and 89 days. Most of them are in his age group, and he seems to be connecting well with them. One in particular, named Aaron, he seems to have developed a close bond with. They play ping-pong, lift weights, play cards, watch movies (after 4 pm), and essentially spend their 90 days learning to cope with the boredom that comes with being sober. They each told me that in the times they are most bored, that's when they would use. "It's 90 days for the rest of your life," they say. Anyway, the facility itself is really fantastic. They have a fire pit, lots of beautiful scenery, even a river flowing right through the center. On my first visit, Brother walked me along the trail, pointing out his favorite places to sit and reflect on what he's learning. He's fo
und a sponsor and seems to be working hard to chip away at completing his steps.
He told me last Sunday, "In the meetings, when someone gets up and talks, no matter who they are or where they come from, there is a huge part of me that can relate. We all have the same story. Those meetings.. they feel almost as good as being drunk. In some ways, they feel even better." It took all of my strength not to cry! All of the countless prayers, pleading for my brother to find the strength in himself to get help, that statement was proof of they were answered! Each time I visit I notice more changes in him, and in the other boys, too.
I'll do whatever I can to help support my brother in his sobriety. I'll quit drinking myself. Anything. Valley Camp is such a warm place, the first thing I thought when I got there and he was telling me about how it all worked, I thought to myself, "I wonder how I could get involved in something like this." Seems like because I am not an addict (of alcohol, at least) I would not be an effective mentor for the newcomers, for those struggling every minute to stay above water. "One day at a time," he says with a smile. "I'll take another 24," his new buddy echoes behind him. My heart weeps with gratitude.
Afterwards, we went home and watched an episode of Heroes (see Hiro, above) before remembering that our dear friend Sunyin was creating quite a buzz with hints about opening her own bar on her facebook page this week. We pull up the FB, and there it is! Sun is now the proud owner of The Jackaloupe. This is a huge deal for Sun, something she's dreamed of for over 10 years. Due to some interesting circumstance and shady business at her previous employer, this opportunity just fell into her lap. I'm so happy for her. She deserves all the success in the world! We stopped in for a celebratory toast. Fun times!
Saturday morning was fantastic, also. Slept in until 11:30 I think. I never get the chance to sleep in anymore, and AH! I love my sleep. Once I awoke the morning was quite hectic. I had plans to be at earth jam with about a thousand people it seemed. I dressed quickly, got the dogs taken care of (way later than they are used to, poor loves), and headed to Liberty Park for the fun celebration. In my haste to get there, I forgot that I was supposed to pick up Christie! How terrible of me, she has been having a rough time and I am so wrapped up in 
myself that I didn't even think of it until she called me! Thank goodness she was already there. I took Zoo with me and he loved it. So much, in fact that he was kind of driving me crazy trying to pull me all over the place. He normally does so well on the leash, but I think with all of the distraction it was just too much to bear. Festivities were much fun, I ran into a lot of people I adore and haven't seen for some time. Even got to hang out with my favorite kids in the world! We hung out until about 5:00 before I decided to take him home.
myself that I didn't even think of it until she called me! Thank goodness she was already there. I took Zoo with me and he loved it. So much, in fact that he was kind of driving me crazy trying to pull me all over the place. He normally does so well on the leash, but I think with all of the distraction it was just too much to bear. Festivities were much fun, I ran into a lot of people I adore and haven't seen for some time. Even got to hang out with my favorite kids in the world! We hung out until about 5:00 before I decided to take him home. Stu and Aaron had been out shooting guns all day with Stu's dad and brother. He was so high from the rush, it's all they could talk about for hours! It made me so happy to see him so lit up about it. What a fun day, all in all. I had been stewing a huge pot of marinara all day, so I made some side dishes and we all ate together. Something about cooking for a group of people just feels so good. I wish I could do it everyday! We watched A Scanner Darkly, moved some furniture around, cleaned house and just vegged for the rest of the night.
Sundays have become my new day to look forward to each week. My brother was a late bloomer, I don't even think he started drinking until he was legally of age. This sounds practical in sentence form, but seems out of the ordinary these days. It didn't take long to notice that he wasn't just a casual drinker. He drank until the bottle was empty (and whatever else was within reach). Over the past few years his drinking became more and more of a problem. A true source of worry for all who loved him. Anyone who knows and loves an alcoholic knows first-hand, they are the most selfish people on the planet when it comes to their drinking. We did everything we knew how to help him, but it really boiled down to his desire to get sober, which wasn't there until recently.
Last year sometime, he met a girl from Arizona, fell in distant love with her, and decided to take the leap and move down AZ to be with her. It wasn't long before she noticed his drinking problem, and it caused a major blockage in their relationship, and I believe it was almost exactly two months later that he came home. Little did I know it was with the intention of seeking help. His stay at Valley Camp was a God-send, to say the least. It's not a rehab facility. There are no doctors present, no aids to help the body along in it's process of detoxification. They are not held there against their will.
The compound was purchased by a man named Bill. Bill's story is the first in the A.A. Big Book, and is one that resonates well with most alcoholics, whether recovering or not. It's a place of real peace and compassion. My brother is there with 9 other recovering alcoholics, all with sobriety dates ranging between 1 and 89 days. Most of them are in his age group, and he seems to be connecting well with them. One in particular, named Aaron, he seems to have developed a close bond with. They play ping-pong, lift weights, play cards, watch movies (after 4 pm), and essentially spend their 90 days learning to cope with the boredom that comes with being sober. They each told me that in the times they are most bored, that's when they would use. "It's 90 days for the rest of your life," they say. Anyway, the facility itself is really fantastic. They have a fire pit, lots of beautiful scenery, even a river flowing right through the center. On my first visit, Brother walked me along the trail, pointing out his favorite places to sit and reflect on what he's learning. He's fo
und a sponsor and seems to be working hard to chip away at completing his steps.He told me last Sunday, "In the meetings, when someone gets up and talks, no matter who they are or where they come from, there is a huge part of me that can relate. We all have the same story. Those meetings.. they feel almost as good as being drunk. In some ways, they feel even better." It took all of my strength not to cry! All of the countless prayers, pleading for my brother to find the strength in himself to get help, that statement was proof of they were answered! Each time I visit I notice more changes in him, and in the other boys, too.
I'll do whatever I can to help support my brother in his sobriety. I'll quit drinking myself. Anything. Valley Camp is such a warm place, the first thing I thought when I got there and he was telling me about how it all worked, I thought to myself, "I wonder how I could get involved in something like this." Seems like because I am not an addict (of alcohol, at least) I would not be an effective mentor for the newcomers, for those struggling every minute to stay above water. "One day at a time," he says with a smile. "I'll take another 24," his new buddy echoes behind him. My heart weeps with gratitude.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
A breath anew
I've been lurking a series of blogs for some time now, feeling too timid in my voice as of late to find comfort in publicity. Today, as the rain washed the ground clean and the sun returned, I remembered that if I can only find the courage to speak freely and be authentic in my voice, maybe someone can be affected by my voice in a way not too different from what I've found in others. Inspiration, empathy, laughter, excitement, the common connection amongst strangers, being validated in my moments..both wildly crazy and wickedly sane? Welcome to Blogsville. Here's to hoping I'm persistent enough to become an ever-taboo word... the avid, active BLOGGER!
Let us start with some catch-up:
Yesterday Stu and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. What a year it has been, I'll tell you what! I'll just say that Stu is officially the longest relationship I've ever had.. This is both frightening and exciting. Now when people ask, I can at least use the word "year" other than "x-amount of months." No longer can I say I'm a professional at non-relationships. No longer am I "perpetually single". I've settled quite comfortably into girlfriendhood, and I'll just say that I'm pretty comfortable and stable in that role.
Zoo is over 6 months old now.. and alarmingly huge. As of Sunday (and an unexpected vet visit)he weighs in at 43 lbs. He's pretty much the best looking dog on the planet. Very well mannered, too! I won't lie though, he can be a total turdface at times. His favorite no-no items to chew on? Paper! Paper of any sort! Such a freak. I love it. He has not shown any signs of other-animal aggression, but he's so used to playing with Lexi (his mama) that he plays a little too rough for little dogs. This scares me. I'm trying to socialize him as much as I can. His balls are on the snip-list. I pray that helps now and in the long run. I don't want him to have to miss out on anything because he fits the mold for the ever-hated aggressive Pitbull. But, OH! Look at that sweet face! How could you not love him?I've kind of fallen off of the wagon this past winter when it comes to keeping my valuable relationships greased up and in working order. Now that glorious SPRING is here, there are no excuses to be made when it comes to the neglect of my friends. This delights me. I can't wait to fall back into the niche of laughter and constant fun-poking. In my circle, if you're not talking trash, you're probably not real friends! Hah!
Festival season is embarking upon us, and I couldn't be more elated to welcome it! Earth Jam (a local art fest here in SLC) kicks it off this weekend. Very small scale, but "everybody who is anybody" will be there, and it's a really fun one to begin the season of "running into" folks you only see in the festival circles. Desert Rocks is just over a month away. Can I get a hell yeah? Stu is still on and then off and then on the fence in regards to coming. At this point, it matters not to me. I am bound and determined to have a good time this year. Some of my oldest and dearest friends are attending! These are people I've been dreaming of introducing to one another for YEARS. What a fabulous venue to do it! I have my BM ticket )'( and I am instilling the utmost of faith that the divine universe will help everything else along.
My brother is in an alcohol treatment program, which is honestly the most amazing thing that's happening in my life right now.. and it's not even "my" life! I've been worried sick and praying for him for a long time now. This decision was his and he seems to be getting a lot out of the program. If you have some time and you're the praying type, I'd like to ask you say an extra word or two in Ty's honor. I've been going up there and spending my Sundays with him, and it just feels so good to see his progress and get a feel for what it is he's doing to work through his struggle with this life-wrecking disease. More details on this to come, I'm sure.
..And my mama's getting married! She just sold my childhood home (sadface), and things are changing as rapidly as the seasons.
All feels just fine in these parts today. I have a good job. I mean, it's not my dream job or anything, but it's a good job and it pays. I'm blessed enough to know that as a blessing today. I have the best family. My friends love me despite my absence. Generally speaking, things are fantastic! My only complaints are merely cosmetic, and I can't bitch at the scale for displaying the numbers, if you know what I mean. I'm juggling the options of learning to love my body and all of it's bigness.. or actively DO something about it. Of course, this debate has mostly been done in a seated position.. so obviously I haven't reached my conclusion yet!
Either way, good things are on the horizon.. I can taste it.
(Pic not really related. My eye hurt, so Stu made me a patch!)
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