One more attempt at authenticity

Another sad story on the books. The broken dreamer, once again left alone. All of the ugliest parts of me are exposed, gloating. Vicious, ugly wounds, torn open. I long to watch you suffer, to feel something even somewhat similar to the terror I feel with each inhale. I want to watch you burn.
I long for sound sleep; weeks of dreamless darkness. Sleep just long enough to let today- these feelings- turn in to past. Wake up knowing this bitterness, the ugly beast within me, has retired to the land of forgotten yesterdays. Wake up already knowing these crude lessons. A time lapse long enough to learn them- please just don't make me feel them.
I hate you. I want so fucking badly to hate you, in your ugly fucking mask. A fool's poor disguise. Your costume's wearing thin. I see you. I see you for what you really are and I hate every molecule of it. I hate that you tricked me. I hate that my mind tricked me into thinking I could help "save" someone so fucking lost. I weep for your poor family, neglected. I weep for your son, abandoned. I weep for me. I weep on your behalf, because you seem to be entirely stuck in a state of unfeeling. So numb to all of the pain, you inflict it on others, just to watch them feel. I'm writhing at your mercy, spitting blood and glass. I fucking hate you.
I fucking hate that I love you.
I dream of trading places today, with anyone. A whole new set of shitstormed troubles, a distraction from this hatred. Six kids, cheating husband, sleepless nights, 60 hour work weeks.. give it all to me. You just be me for a while, mundane. Too much time to think about everything that's happening. Analyze every detail, re-read every fucked up lie. Twist betrayal's knife, just for the hell of it. Remind yourself that all of your relationships are superficial. Think up reasons why your "friends" aren't your friends. Look in the mirror and dissect every ugly piece of yourself. Try to think of one thing that's beautiful. Hold your dog and cry. Watch him and laugh.. but not so loud that you actually believe that you mean it.