Introspect

Pressing myself to write this, because I've been engrossed in such a state of "blah" that even talking to loved ones seems more chore-like than therapeutic. I know better.
I don't want to use the word depressed, because it sounds so dark and sad. I'm not feeling dark and sad, I'm fully aware of just how completely numb I am. For weeks now, I've felt essentially nothing. This could be a comfort, if it weren't for the fact that there is some really great stuff going on.

In my recently-terminated relationship, I knew for a long time that it wasn't working. I awaited the day when it was pronounced dead officially. When it actually became real, I couldn't help but find myself standing over the metaphorical dead corpse and checking for a pulse every 5 minutes. Nothing. In my realization of that fact, I wonder lots of things. My self-esteem (body image issues) is at the forefront of my mind, and I wonder who, if anyone, would or could ever find me attractive. My mind, sure, but when it comes to intimacy there needs to be a certain level of raw LUST involved. I don't feel confident enough to even allow someone to lust after me, even if they did.

More potent than that truth, is the fact that I find myself longing for physical relations. Before the ex, to say that I had an unhealthy relationship with men and sex, would be an understatement. Without even being aware of it, I was so desperate for love and affection. I don't remember a time in my life from the age of about fourteen where I didn't have some love interest to chase and obsess over. Naturally, not all of these relations were sexual, but the yearning was still there. In the ones that were physical, many were short lived once I shared my body. "The way men work," so to speak.

In my deep mad wild intense relationship with *ex, I learned that being physical is only a minor fraction of what it means to really love someone. Intimacy is communication, not sexuality. Connection and flesh are not the same thing, not by a long shot. So why am I eager to jump back to the temporary comfort blanket of sex, and all of the implied complications that follow? I don't know.

Why, despite knowing these two things to be solid fact, do I still struggle with them? I'm not ready (physically, mentally, emotionally) to have a sexual relationship with someone because I'm struggling to be comfortable in my own skin, and while I long for intimacy- it's not all it's cracked up to be. I know I'd end up feeling even more numb and empty than I already do.

On the plus side, I'm officially moved into a wonderful new home with two amazing girls. We laugh our asses of everyday, and it's been a real blessing having them near. I'm excited to grow closer together and build memories that will last. However, we've been in there for more than 3 weeks now, and I'm still not even "settled in" to my room (see "blah" above). I want to be, everyday I tell myself I'm going to get moving- only to melt into the couch. This is okay, the public zones are livable. Not yet decorated, but comfortable. Housewarming is scheduled for August 7th, so it'll definitely be done before then.

Also, my dog is pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to me. He loves me. This comforts me. He makes waking up kind of fun, and that's a big accomplishment in itself.